I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
