im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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