I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
