The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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