it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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