I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
