They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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