I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
