She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
