She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
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He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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