He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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