I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I love you. Go after that dick
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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