I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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