Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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