tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
