When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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