If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
