in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
