I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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