Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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