Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
