she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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