I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
