Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
