she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
