i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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