shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
