My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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