It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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