i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
