connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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