I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
