So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
