just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
