Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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