I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
