why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
