I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
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Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
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What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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