Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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