so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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