you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
