If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
