my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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