Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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