We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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