After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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