Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
