Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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