I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
