guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Vodka?
Forever.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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