Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
