my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
