How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
