I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The ass gains better be worth it
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