Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
