highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
